T H E   N I H    C A T A L Y S T J U L Y   -   A U G U S T   1 9 9 8 

National Institute of the Wacky Fun-page Grab-bag Last-But-Not Least a Not-Exactly-Not a Dent Cartoon Thinga-maiammy (copyright geekstuff incorp.)
Top 10 Icky Lab Things
10) Computer keyboard layered with finger grime and food bits
9) Strange media spills in the tissue culture hood
8) Lyophilizer condensate
7) Old dusty things stored behind radioactive waste
6) the inside of a heavily used but never cleaned microfuge
5) The thick coating of dust on old chemical bottles
4) Lab Microwave
3) Common lunch room microwave (particularly after heating fish)
2) common lunch room floor
1) Burn Box that hasn't been changed for three months
Lamest Cheer for Boosting Lab Spirit
"Give me an L, give me an A, give me a B, what's that spell?, LAB, LAB, YAY!, LAB!"
Top 3 Cartoon Ideas that Never Got off the Ground
3) So, you want to be a P.I.?
2) Cancer Commandoes
1) Study of Science-
This is my pipetman, this is my gun, one is for manipulating DNA, the other's for fun.
Choosing the Ideal Post-doctoral Fellowship: Choose your project, your lab mates, your PI, and your lab environment! (Unfortunately, you only get one top choise, and you have to pick at least one number four choise. Example: Project #1, Lab-mates #2, P.I. #3, &Lab Env.#4

Projects
1) Answers an important questions, will get you a top-noch paper, and will help you get a job.
2) Answers a question and gets you a good paper, doesn't really lead you anywhere
3) Answers a question that only 3 other people in the world can care about and may or not be publishable
4) A total fishing expedition guaranteed to drive you insane
 Lab-Mates
1) A professional mix of students and post-docs who are competitive yet nurturing
2) A group of carcer-minded post-docs who don't care whether you sink or swim
3) A collection of career post-docs who lead a fun-filled life but are insecure about their work
4) A group of psychotic NIH veterans guaranteed to drive you insane
P.I.
1) A smart, energetic and respected researcher who will gladly further your career if you are productive
2) A smart and ambitious researcher who will burn you up like a two-cent candle
3) An over-the-hill codger who won't leave you alone
4) A psychotic martinet guaranteed to drive you insane
Lab Environment
1) Beautiful spacious facilities, window with a view, in a desirable region of the country
2) Beautiful spacious facilities, window with a view
3) Average facilities, no view, in a not so desirable region of the country
4) An older NIH Lab, guaranteed to drive you insane

Clothes and Advancement in Science
1) Graduate student: old sneakers, shorts and old T-shirt;
2) Post-doc: tennis shoes, jeans and new T-shirt;
3) Ass. Prof. loafers, slacks and polo shirt;
4) Tenured Prof: dress shoes, dress shirt and dress pants;
5) Senior Prof: dress shoes, dress shirt with bow tie, dress pants, blazer
For M.D.- post-doc wears level three clothes, Asst. prof wears level four clothes, etc.(up to full suit)
For Californian- Post-doc wears level one clothes, Asst. prof wears level two, etc.
Analogies to science baseball pop music fast food industry
CellScienceNature paper (first/last author) big league home run top ten hit bonus
Attend meeting on the road on tour attend motivation session
Speak at big meeting on the all-star team sell out Madison Square Garden give motivation session
Graduate student college ball garage band dishwasher
Post-doc minor leagues club band french fry guy
Asst.prof major leagues signed to record label cashier
Tenured prof. big money contract three platinum albums manger
Prof. Emeritus retired has-been industry giant
Nobel prize hall of frame legendary artist own the franchise

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